When I woke up in recovery a few hours in later, the feeling of terror that came over me as the overwhelming feeling of nausea hit me. I panicked and screamed for the nurse to do something. I did not want to undo what the surgeons had just done. I had six sets of stitches throughout my stomach area. One hurl and I felt that I'd bust every single one of them! They gave me something to make me sleep again. I woke up again a bit later, same feeling - same result. The third time when I woke up it was then I was like, "Oh good, the feeling has subsided some." I apologized to the nurse and was grateful they were still trying to get my room ready so they hadn't been ready for me anyway. I was still very groggy but wanted to see my husband Steve. Shortly thereafter, they wheeled me up to my room. Steve was waiting right there as we came down the hallway. Relief hit me when I realized how much I needed someone I knew to help me realize I was going to be okay.
I won't lie, it was not an easy road. However, every bit of it was totally worth it when I look in the mirror today. We all have to give up something in order to get to where we need to be. It would be weeks before I could even eat any real food and months before the normal feelings of being full, stomach growling and other sensations that take time for your body to feel again. If I had known how really all encompassing a surgery like this was, I may have chickened out. I don't mean to deter others from doing this, but you really need to be ready to dedicate yourself to this. If you want to deal with your eating problems and addictions to food, it's like when you quit smoking you have to be the one that wants it. No one else can tell you when you're ready. In my case, I had never been more ready.
A year later, I was in the middle of a move and was able to re-visit my past several times as boxes of old clothes were discovered that had sat in my garage for three years since our last move. It blew my mind to see clothes that I had worn in the previous ten years and to see how far I had really come. I even dared to wear a dress I wore to a friend's wedding nearly 18 years ago that I could now fit in! Guess what, it's even a touch too big! Everyday is like Christmas morning all over again. That is the best way to describe a year later.
However, at this point, I still have another 40lbs to go to get closer to my ultimate goal. I have to keep focused and it's all up to me now to get these finally pounds off of me for good. They say the surgery is only good for the first year and in the second year it's really up to you. At that point, they hope you have developed the right eating habits and have used exercise as your form of stress relief. I have learned more this past year than all my previous diets all combined many times over. Carbs, sugars, and all my things that I loved are now a very minimal part of my life. I still eat them, but in much smaller quantities and not very often. Instead of everyday, they have been phased out to once in a while. I have so much more energy and have found the zest again for wanting to make the most out of every day. I wake up early most mornings, even on weekends. My attitude has gone from no I can't do that to I never say no anymore. I realized how much I was holding myself back for so many years as the weight crept up. It happens overtime without you even realizing what you're doing. I have always been very social and active, but not so much in the last ten years. People that have just met me in the last couple of years probably thought I was a pretty active and bubbly person. However, that was just a shadow of my real self that people who knew me from my childhood until a few years after I got married.
Many of my posts on this blog are self reflective and may be at times repetitive. This process I am going through and where I am shows exactly how I am feeling when I am feeling it.
I realized yesterday that it has been nearly a couple months since my last post and I urged myself to make it my goal to chronicle my journey once again as that one year anniversary is super important to me. How far I've come in that year for me is a dream coming true. I no longer have the same issues or fears that I had a year ago. I am well on to my way now to become the person I once was again.
I believe the pictures always speak for themselves (please excuse the haphazard layout, I can't quite figure out how to align these just right)...
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