Well it has now been well over a month since I've posted last. I was starting to feel like whoppee do, I haven't really lost anything this past month, but then I really have. I think the important thing that I need to talk about is the changes I am seeing in people that know me, it is really starting to become obvious and the comments, compliments and reactions I am getting is all the range of emotions I can't even begin to describe.
As I write this, I am trying to be careful not to boast, complain, cringe, and every other emotion one has from getting too much attention on something that you weren't prepared for. Of course I thought it'd be awesome to lose the weight and feel better about myself. But I was not prepared for all the rest of it. The clothes, how fast I am going through them...how much better getting up in the morning feels when I can reach into my closet and actually feel excited about dressing up again. Things look better on me again. I don't fret about what still fits and what doesn't look good anymore. I am just so darn thankful that I made this decision and the benefits have far outweighed the negatives by a mile. I am that happy.
I am learning to be graceful, in receiving comments, compliments, feed backs about how I look. It's hard because you become more self conscious as you realize wow, people must have thought I was that heavy. But I really was. And to see me change in front of my eyes has been hard to track, it's hard when you look at yourself everyday. Even my husband has said the same thing. He all the sudden looked at me one day recently and was like, "Wow, I didn't realize how skinny you are starting to really look?!" I kind of laughed. He's like, "No, really, it's like I look at you everyday but today you look especially skinnier. Like wow!" It was a fun affirmation. Even people I work with everyday I have been careful not to say too much, but the compliments and encouragement I receive from them on a regular basis feels good yet I don't want them to feel like they have to continuously say something. And this is just the beginning as I want to lose another 50-60lbs minimum. So, it'll be a wild journey.
Keeping myself grounded, focused and happy to be where I'm at the moment is important. I need to keep the person inside of me with me and not change. It's hard though, as you feel and gain more confidence as you realize you are finally succeeding in a challenge you've had your whole entire life. The hours and time I have spent since I can remember about if I was just 20-30lbs lighter, or this size or that look...good lord it's overwhelming. To realize a dream that you've never allowed yourself to even think that was possible. I had told myself that I was a big girl and that was okay. But as time went by and I saw how much it was affecting my lifestyle and health I knew something had to change. I feel so much better.
Keeping up the weight loss through the next few months will be harder as I am able to eat more different foods as my stomach heals more and the body is adjusting to my new way. There are so many things I approach differently. I no longer look at all the stuff I can eat, but what I can eat. I keep it real and healthy and make sure I get all I need first such as my proteins and fluids. It's a constant battle throughout the day to make sure I eat enough. Never thought that would be a problem, but it is now a reality. Today, for example, I am just not able to eat the more solid dense foods, just not working. It can be garlic is in the food or I am just bit "off" today. I had a vanilla greek yogurt with vanilla almond granola for breakfast. At lunch I tried to finish eating my lasagna I had at Olive Garden (this was the 4th meal off the serving I got in the restaurant!). I eat 2/3 of the portion I had left and was threw it in the garbage. I was done. This afternoon I drank a cup of tea and began my propel water. After I got back from an appointment I was really hungry and had some trail mix, went down with no problems. Tonight for dinner I tried to eat leftovers of sausage and potatoes - did not work out after 3-4 bites. I gave up and drank my decaf coffee instead. Now I have finally finished a few pistachios. I am done today. I will probably make a protein shake in the morning so I can start my day at 50g of protein and make up for today. I probably had about 55g today, which isn't terrible but I should have more like 60-80g/day minimum. 120g is optimal, but I have yet to reach that high yet. It is hard with the 1/2 cup portions, or even trying to consume enough before I get full anyway. I'll just have to keep plugging on.
I am working out, but to be honest since I've gone on my vacation until now I have not gone to the gym much. I am walking around a lot and moving a lot though and I think that is something. My stamina and energy level is very high. I can shop without getting tired for 2-3hrs without even thinking about sitting down. Such a change from before. A year ago I couldn't even stand for more than ten minutes without my lower back and knees killing me. Let alone walking for 2hrs without sitting down. Would not happen. I am so happy that is no longer my situation. My husband would over compensate and do most of the household chores because I was too tired to finish them when I was at my heaviest. Not the person I ever imagined I would be. I did not know how that person emerged. All the sudden it was like, "This is not cool. I used to be a competitive swimmer, I used to be a hairdresser and stand on my feet for like 12hrs. I used to run around with my friends all the time on snowmobiles and hikes. " I was missing out on life and I didn't like it.
I am hoping eventually that I can be an inspiration to others similar to me. Because there is hope. This surgery and new way of life for me has changed me, not just in weight but it has opened up so much for me that I had been lacking for so long. I think I have gained more confidence that I've had as I've gotten older too, but no combined with where I'm going it's a new found attitude. There is nothing I can't do. I've always been like that anyway, I never knew the word no. But now, I just feel like that has become an even stronger attribute for me. All my life people said I wasn't smart enough, pretty enough, not able to hear well, not fast enough, not the best swimmer, etc... blah blah blah. Every time I heard something, I would just want to prove that much more that they were wrong. Most times I succeeded too. That was why the last few year I was like, "Where is that girl?!" It was like I had given in. The weight literally weighed me down. Once I was getting lighter again all that negative energy and weight started to dissipate again. It feels to be accomplished again. Don't ever give up. You owe it to yourself. Just do it! I wish I had done this sooner, but I believe the journey in my life to get to that point hadn't presented itself yet and I need to experience everything up to that point to really understand hitting "the bottom".
People who know me may never had saw any of these struggles other than the physical side of when I grew heavier with each passing year. I tried to keep that spirit in me alive and fighting. I was still there, but just squished down.
And here I re-emerge. 2012 was a year of doing for myself and taking that big step and being proactive about changing my life. 2013 is a continuing journey of that vow to change my life and keep striving to better myself. This is the year I turn 40 and I want to hit my birthday and say to myself, "You did it!". I will then know that I will continue on in life healthier and better for it.
The best birthday present to give to one's self.
