Well, it has been nearly another month since I've posted and I'm down three more pounds. It has been difficult since the weight loss has slowed down considerably in the last three months. At this time though, I don't have as much to lose now, so I should be happy that I've gotten this far.
95lbs! Wow, that is nearly a 100 pounds now. I am confident I will lose more in the next few weeks to hit my goal of 100 before I leave for New York on May 16th. My mother and I made a deal a few years ago, before I even considered W.L.S. and the deal at that time was if I lost 50lbs, she'd take me to New York, all expenses paid for a reward. When I finally made the realization that I needed to approach my weight loss a different way and started making my plans for the surgery, I re-negotiated with her and said why don't we make it 100lbs? I think she was taken aback at first, not really sure how I thought I was going to lose that much and the prospect of the surgery frightened her. But as time went by and the date of surgery got closer, her and many of my other family members started to warm up to the idea.
Explaining to your loved ones about you doing the surgery is not for the faint of heart. Many people do not understand how the Gastric Bypass surgery works. I have explained it thoroughly in previous posts, however, I have not quite explained the emotional aspects from those closest to you. To this day, I know they all did not share all their concerns or hesitations with me. It was scary to them and to actually "volunteer" myself to change my body the way I did frankly surprised a lot of people. Eating how I knew it is no longer. But, I was frustrated, tired, sick of being fat, and scared that other health complications were soon to follow. Approaching my 40th birthday being severely over-weight was not how I envisioned myself. I was so mad at myself for letting myself go so far beyond where I ever thought possible. But, everyday I woke up and tried to wear clothes and look at myself in the mirror I knew I had to do something drastic. I tried Weight Watchers several times, many times suceeding in getting down 20-25lbs and then it would creep back on. And some.
Stress and not taking care of myself was the culprit. Not putting myself on the priority list. It was a simple as that.
So, back in the Fall of 2011 I took a long hard look at myself and realized something had to happen. My husband had finally started a job in his chosen field and seemed to be on his way to being settled again. I was no longer the sole bread winner, which the stress upon that itself was horrifying as I did not make enough to support us comfortably. That fall was so many things, on so many levels, it really changed me forever. I had also lost a co-worker that fall and was still reeling from the effects of that loss too. So my workload at work doubled as well. Hence, stress loaded on me double-fold. I believed I gained about 35lbs in those three months alone.
In December 2011 I made the first doctor's appointment to implement my new strategy, to get the Gastric Bypass Surgery. It required six months of logging my diet and exercise and taking those to my doctor each month. Then, I was required to start visiting the surgeon's office and go through all the extensive testings that were also required by the insurance companies. I was a perfect candidiate. I was approved and my surgery was schedule for July 27th, my birthday (My 39th birthday). I was over the moon in excitement. My husband was such a supporter from the beginning. He saw me struggle for so many years as the weight kept creeping on. He knew how frustrated I was and how maddening it was to do so many diets yet to keep failing.
The day I told him I wanted the surgery he asked me if I was sure. I told him I was never so sure in my life. I wanted to get his done already. Truth be told, I had really thought about this back in 2005 but hadn't known anyone personally yet to find out more about it. I kept thinking I'd just do it naturally through diet and exercise. However, six years later I realized I was failing miserably on my own. Steve had his own reservations about the procedure, and quietly read up on the effects of it and didn't tell me his own concerns. He knew how bad I wanted it. He wasn't going to stand in my way. I'll never forget the look on his face after I came out of recovery and they wheeled me into my room - he was there waiting for me. I was groggy and kind of out of it as I had spent nearly 6hrs in the recovery room extremely nauseated to where they had to knock me out each time I woke up. I was in fear of puking and undoing all the stitches that were now on my tummy area (I had six incisions). Oh, that was a scary time for me too. The poor guy. I think we both wondered what the hell I did to myself at that moment. It was scary.
This brings me back to the present. All that has gotten me to this point, I need to never forget and stay the course. It was extreme, yes. Did it help me achieve my goal, that remains to be seen. I need to still work very hard every day to make the right choices and keep the healthy lifestyle in play. It will be a struggle always. I am still not blessed with metabolism that lets me eat and do what I want. I never could.
Anyway, I will keep plugging away, but keeping a mindful eye on where I started and where I am going. At the end of this journey, I will be able to look back and share my experience with others who will either choose or not to choose to follow the same path.
I did it for me, no one else.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Wow - the mirror is changing...
It really is amazing how you can look in the mirror everyday and not notice the subtle changes here and there, but all the sudden one day you reach for something and you're like, "Wait a minute, did I just feel my bone there?!" Or you glance sideways in the mirror and realize the person looking back at you is really you afterall and that the person you are looking at is different.
So many of those moments over the last few months, but especially the last few weeks have seemed even more surreal. As of today I am officially down 92lbs! It's been very gradual over the last couple of months, however, still consistent. I have also stepped up my workout schedule and am happy to say I enjoy working out more now.
The other day I was at work and one of my students I hadn't seen in over a year dropped by the office to visit with me. At first I glanced up and she was looking between my old work cubicle and back again to my new one (I had a promotion back in November, so I had moved across and up from where I was at before). Anyway, she looked confused as I glanced back to see what was going on. Then she realized it was indeed me and a look of absolute shock was on her face. She immediately exclaimed, "Wow, you look great!" I was laughing because the look on her face was priceless. She continued on to say it appeared I had lost a lot of weight. She had no way of knowing the means to how I did it, but to hear and see her reaction was heart warming. It's funny, because I've had a few reactions like this lately and it wakes me up a bit to realize that nearly a 100lbs loss is actually pretty astounding. I have been wanting to lose this weight for so long, I had forgotten all the little things along the way that I have found myself being able to do again.
I just enjoyed one this evening. I gave myself a manicure/pedicure which a year ago I could hardly trim my own toe nails or even paint them because I was so overweight. No one likes to admit these things, but my own husband watched me try and it broke his heart. At the time though, I was in the beginning stages of getting my paperwork ready for the surgery, so I knew I was doing something about it.
The other morning, I ran from my car all the way into my office, and guess what I was barely huffing. Before, to walk from my car just to the building I'd already feel winded at my heaviest. Moving around was not easy when I was that heavy.
So many things to think about as one makes this journey. It's impossible to know ahead of time, or understand as you are going through it just how much it all makes a difference.
I''m not done yet, not by a long shot - but I do feel SO much better. I've gotten my life back. I can do things again. I am not making anymore excuses to why I am not doing things. Heck, I even applied to the university I work at, so I could transfer my credits and finish my degree! I am so motivated and now realize there is no limit to what one can do once they put their mind to something.
I always knew this and had done things in my life up to this point to already prove that. However, I had lost sight of this determination the last few years. But I am happy to report, I have found it again!!!
Had my six month check-in at the Bariatric office the other day. Met with the nurse and dietician and they both were pleased with my progress. I am on track and all is good!
Life is good:)
So many of those moments over the last few months, but especially the last few weeks have seemed even more surreal. As of today I am officially down 92lbs! It's been very gradual over the last couple of months, however, still consistent. I have also stepped up my workout schedule and am happy to say I enjoy working out more now.
The other day I was at work and one of my students I hadn't seen in over a year dropped by the office to visit with me. At first I glanced up and she was looking between my old work cubicle and back again to my new one (I had a promotion back in November, so I had moved across and up from where I was at before). Anyway, she looked confused as I glanced back to see what was going on. Then she realized it was indeed me and a look of absolute shock was on her face. She immediately exclaimed, "Wow, you look great!" I was laughing because the look on her face was priceless. She continued on to say it appeared I had lost a lot of weight. She had no way of knowing the means to how I did it, but to hear and see her reaction was heart warming. It's funny, because I've had a few reactions like this lately and it wakes me up a bit to realize that nearly a 100lbs loss is actually pretty astounding. I have been wanting to lose this weight for so long, I had forgotten all the little things along the way that I have found myself being able to do again.
I just enjoyed one this evening. I gave myself a manicure/pedicure which a year ago I could hardly trim my own toe nails or even paint them because I was so overweight. No one likes to admit these things, but my own husband watched me try and it broke his heart. At the time though, I was in the beginning stages of getting my paperwork ready for the surgery, so I knew I was doing something about it.
The other morning, I ran from my car all the way into my office, and guess what I was barely huffing. Before, to walk from my car just to the building I'd already feel winded at my heaviest. Moving around was not easy when I was that heavy.
So many things to think about as one makes this journey. It's impossible to know ahead of time, or understand as you are going through it just how much it all makes a difference.
I''m not done yet, not by a long shot - but I do feel SO much better. I've gotten my life back. I can do things again. I am not making anymore excuses to why I am not doing things. Heck, I even applied to the university I work at, so I could transfer my credits and finish my degree! I am so motivated and now realize there is no limit to what one can do once they put their mind to something.
I always knew this and had done things in my life up to this point to already prove that. However, I had lost sight of this determination the last few years. But I am happy to report, I have found it again!!!
Had my six month check-in at the Bariatric office the other day. Met with the nurse and dietician and they both were pleased with my progress. I am on track and all is good!
Life is good:)
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Other challenges and perks to this whole crazy ride
So, I've noticed that I am complaining about the lack of loss for my weight lately. You know what's really funny, the scale doesn't always reflect what is really going on. I just tried on and bought a pair of size 14s the other day, how crazy is that?! I haven't wore a size 14 anything in about 18 years! My body size is different today and I am even still about 30lbs heavier then when I wore a size 14 before. Strange, but true.
I also frequently peruse a forum online for other Gastric Bypass patients and am thankful to have that resource as my "go to" for any of the wierd things I have experienced along the way. Today, as I was glancing over the other posts I realized just how much I am not alone on this journey. Someone was talking about how much hair they are losing. I too just had experienced this and finally my is slowing down again. I had super thick hair to begin with, so at first I was not to worried as I figured I could stand to lose a bit anyway. However, a few weeks of hair like I'd never seen before coming out in my brushes, combs and in general really did freak me out. I eventually upped my Biotin intake to 2000 ICUs a day and it did eventually slow done again, however, my hair is truly half as thick as it used to be. It's weird to feel my hair now, it feels so thin. But then again, my creative hair stylist in me has found a style that works and it does not appear to be very different again.
Back to the size 14s...being in the dressing room putting that size on was so surreal to me. A year ago, I was hard pressed to find a size 24 that would barely fit me. That moment was so awful and such a blow to my self worth, it was just that awful. When those 14s fit me, the opposite feeling washed over me, a sense of pure joy and accomplishment! The number on the scale isn't always reflective of where our bodies are at size wise, and I think I need to remember that more often. I thought I was at another plateau, but when I went to my doctor's the other day, I had still lost another 8lbs. since my last visit four weeks ago. That is not truly a plateau and I need to get over it and quit thinking it's not happening, because it truly still is! The prospect of where I'll be a year from now is in itself a scary one. I have no idea what I'll feel or be like hitting that weight range of what I was in High School! Wow, that'll be a day!
I no longer eat chocolate bars, drink pop, eat fast-food, drink alcohol, or have any other types of junk food. And I feel so much better for it! This is a lifestyle change, the surgery doesn't do the work for you, it's a combination of eating right, exercising, and eating less. These are all skills that I should have been doing in the first place! Where I went wrong was not being accountable of what was going into my mouth. I gave up and let myself go. This is still NOT easy. Getting the surgery was NOT the easy way out. There are still the same challenges. Losing weight, watching the scale not moving, drinking more fluids, eating less, eating right, exercising often, the type of exercise, etc... Remember, the sensations I feel now when I eat are completely different than before surgery. I've just recently began to get the "feel full" sensation again. This comes back after your new pouch has completely healed, or so I've been told. Before, I would just get that pushing down sensation and feel sick if I ate too much. Now, the full feeling has finally returned. However, I don't like that feeling anymore and do what I can to avoid it, like eat less.
Another culprit I had struggled with pre-surgery was stress. I've learned how to deal with stress better. Stress was my number one killer for my weight. I didn't think I was a stress eater and pretended that I didn't have that problem. Who was I kidding?! In the first two years I had my business, I gained 50lbs! That was pure stress right there. Now, after a tough day when i go to work out I feel a million times better. And, nothing is worth stressing out that much over - to sacrifice your body's well being. I prefer to be content and not think about things like I used to. I have to tell my mind to shut off when I get home. As soon as I walk through that door, I quit thinking about my day and rejoice in being home and doing my own personal things. My new lesson in life, I do NOT take work home with me anymore. I stay away from the conflict as much as possible. All this used to wear me out in the past and I have come to realize I don't deal well with that kind of stress. My new solution, I chose not to entertain it at all! It's okay to walk away and not have to fix everything. A big realization for me and I am only to happy to not have it anymore. If I want to live a full life, I need to not stress more than necessary. This will still continue to be a daily battle for me, as I blame it on my type "A" personality. But admitting it is the first step to recovery:) This was a big factor in me being overweight and I've come to realize it and take action in no longer allowing stress to take over my life.
So, amongst other things, I have come to realize that dealing with stress is important on this new journey. Creating less of it is really the key. Focus on the positives, and life in general just gets a bit easier.
Controlling my weight correlates exactly to how "out of control" my life can be if the weight is out of control. Right now, I am back on track and doing well. I have another year or so to hit my goal and begin the maintaining process. Hopefully by then my habits will be natural and I will be in another phase of my life where weight will no longer be the issue, as the stress will be at a minimal level.
A nice day that will be...
Until next time!
Daphne
I also frequently peruse a forum online for other Gastric Bypass patients and am thankful to have that resource as my "go to" for any of the wierd things I have experienced along the way. Today, as I was glancing over the other posts I realized just how much I am not alone on this journey. Someone was talking about how much hair they are losing. I too just had experienced this and finally my is slowing down again. I had super thick hair to begin with, so at first I was not to worried as I figured I could stand to lose a bit anyway. However, a few weeks of hair like I'd never seen before coming out in my brushes, combs and in general really did freak me out. I eventually upped my Biotin intake to 2000 ICUs a day and it did eventually slow done again, however, my hair is truly half as thick as it used to be. It's weird to feel my hair now, it feels so thin. But then again, my creative hair stylist in me has found a style that works and it does not appear to be very different again.
Back to the size 14s...being in the dressing room putting that size on was so surreal to me. A year ago, I was hard pressed to find a size 24 that would barely fit me. That moment was so awful and such a blow to my self worth, it was just that awful. When those 14s fit me, the opposite feeling washed over me, a sense of pure joy and accomplishment! The number on the scale isn't always reflective of where our bodies are at size wise, and I think I need to remember that more often. I thought I was at another plateau, but when I went to my doctor's the other day, I had still lost another 8lbs. since my last visit four weeks ago. That is not truly a plateau and I need to get over it and quit thinking it's not happening, because it truly still is! The prospect of where I'll be a year from now is in itself a scary one. I have no idea what I'll feel or be like hitting that weight range of what I was in High School! Wow, that'll be a day!
I no longer eat chocolate bars, drink pop, eat fast-food, drink alcohol, or have any other types of junk food. And I feel so much better for it! This is a lifestyle change, the surgery doesn't do the work for you, it's a combination of eating right, exercising, and eating less. These are all skills that I should have been doing in the first place! Where I went wrong was not being accountable of what was going into my mouth. I gave up and let myself go. This is still NOT easy. Getting the surgery was NOT the easy way out. There are still the same challenges. Losing weight, watching the scale not moving, drinking more fluids, eating less, eating right, exercising often, the type of exercise, etc... Remember, the sensations I feel now when I eat are completely different than before surgery. I've just recently began to get the "feel full" sensation again. This comes back after your new pouch has completely healed, or so I've been told. Before, I would just get that pushing down sensation and feel sick if I ate too much. Now, the full feeling has finally returned. However, I don't like that feeling anymore and do what I can to avoid it, like eat less.
Another culprit I had struggled with pre-surgery was stress. I've learned how to deal with stress better. Stress was my number one killer for my weight. I didn't think I was a stress eater and pretended that I didn't have that problem. Who was I kidding?! In the first two years I had my business, I gained 50lbs! That was pure stress right there. Now, after a tough day when i go to work out I feel a million times better. And, nothing is worth stressing out that much over - to sacrifice your body's well being. I prefer to be content and not think about things like I used to. I have to tell my mind to shut off when I get home. As soon as I walk through that door, I quit thinking about my day and rejoice in being home and doing my own personal things. My new lesson in life, I do NOT take work home with me anymore. I stay away from the conflict as much as possible. All this used to wear me out in the past and I have come to realize I don't deal well with that kind of stress. My new solution, I chose not to entertain it at all! It's okay to walk away and not have to fix everything. A big realization for me and I am only to happy to not have it anymore. If I want to live a full life, I need to not stress more than necessary. This will still continue to be a daily battle for me, as I blame it on my type "A" personality. But admitting it is the first step to recovery:) This was a big factor in me being overweight and I've come to realize it and take action in no longer allowing stress to take over my life.
So, amongst other things, I have come to realize that dealing with stress is important on this new journey. Creating less of it is really the key. Focus on the positives, and life in general just gets a bit easier.
Controlling my weight correlates exactly to how "out of control" my life can be if the weight is out of control. Right now, I am back on track and doing well. I have another year or so to hit my goal and begin the maintaining process. Hopefully by then my habits will be natural and I will be in another phase of my life where weight will no longer be the issue, as the stress will be at a minimal level.
A nice day that will be...
Until next time!
Daphne
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Frustrated, only at 85lbs loss since last post...
I promised myself I'd keep writing no matter what as I went through this process. I still feel really good and have been working out, still eating well and doing everything I am supposed to do. However, at the moment the scale is not reflecting too well. I suppose this is the second stall I've had since I've started this process and I need to know it's just part of it. My clothes are fittting bigger, so I know I am continuing to lose the inches, but the weight part hasn't caught up yet.
So, hopefully soon I'll break that number that seems to pop up on my scale every time I weight in. Literally in the last four days I've stayed the exact same. I know part of my problem is my liquid intake isn't as it could be. It's always something. And I know my protein intake isn't what it should be either. It's hard to continually keep thinking about eating and drinking. But seriously, I don't eat more than 800 calories per day, nor do I drink less than 32oz. of fluids per day. It'll come, patience is needed.
This will be a short write-up, as I am still a bit discouraged not much loss has occured this past month. But back in September for about 3-4 weeks I experienced the same problem their too. I just have to keep one foot in front of the other and not worry about it. It'll come.
Good quote for today:
Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections, but instantly set about remedying them –every day begin the task anew.
-Saint Francis De Sales
So, hopefully soon I'll break that number that seems to pop up on my scale every time I weight in. Literally in the last four days I've stayed the exact same. I know part of my problem is my liquid intake isn't as it could be. It's always something. And I know my protein intake isn't what it should be either. It's hard to continually keep thinking about eating and drinking. But seriously, I don't eat more than 800 calories per day, nor do I drink less than 32oz. of fluids per day. It'll come, patience is needed.
This will be a short write-up, as I am still a bit discouraged not much loss has occured this past month. But back in September for about 3-4 weeks I experienced the same problem their too. I just have to keep one foot in front of the other and not worry about it. It'll come.
Good quote for today:
Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections, but instantly set about remedying them –every day begin the task anew.
-Saint Francis De Sales
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Wow, been awhile still losing steady...down 82lbs
Well it has now been well over a month since I've posted last. I was starting to feel like whoppee do, I haven't really lost anything this past month, but then I really have. I think the important thing that I need to talk about is the changes I am seeing in people that know me, it is really starting to become obvious and the comments, compliments and reactions I am getting is all the range of emotions I can't even begin to describe.
As I write this, I am trying to be careful not to boast, complain, cringe, and every other emotion one has from getting too much attention on something that you weren't prepared for. Of course I thought it'd be awesome to lose the weight and feel better about myself. But I was not prepared for all the rest of it. The clothes, how fast I am going through them...how much better getting up in the morning feels when I can reach into my closet and actually feel excited about dressing up again. Things look better on me again. I don't fret about what still fits and what doesn't look good anymore. I am just so darn thankful that I made this decision and the benefits have far outweighed the negatives by a mile. I am that happy.
I am learning to be graceful, in receiving comments, compliments, feed backs about how I look. It's hard because you become more self conscious as you realize wow, people must have thought I was that heavy. But I really was. And to see me change in front of my eyes has been hard to track, it's hard when you look at yourself everyday. Even my husband has said the same thing. He all the sudden looked at me one day recently and was like, "Wow, I didn't realize how skinny you are starting to really look?!" I kind of laughed. He's like, "No, really, it's like I look at you everyday but today you look especially skinnier. Like wow!" It was a fun affirmation. Even people I work with everyday I have been careful not to say too much, but the compliments and encouragement I receive from them on a regular basis feels good yet I don't want them to feel like they have to continuously say something. And this is just the beginning as I want to lose another 50-60lbs minimum. So, it'll be a wild journey.
Keeping myself grounded, focused and happy to be where I'm at the moment is important. I need to keep the person inside of me with me and not change. It's hard though, as you feel and gain more confidence as you realize you are finally succeeding in a challenge you've had your whole entire life. The hours and time I have spent since I can remember about if I was just 20-30lbs lighter, or this size or that look...good lord it's overwhelming. To realize a dream that you've never allowed yourself to even think that was possible. I had told myself that I was a big girl and that was okay. But as time went by and I saw how much it was affecting my lifestyle and health I knew something had to change. I feel so much better.
Keeping up the weight loss through the next few months will be harder as I am able to eat more different foods as my stomach heals more and the body is adjusting to my new way. There are so many things I approach differently. I no longer look at all the stuff I can eat, but what I can eat. I keep it real and healthy and make sure I get all I need first such as my proteins and fluids. It's a constant battle throughout the day to make sure I eat enough. Never thought that would be a problem, but it is now a reality. Today, for example, I am just not able to eat the more solid dense foods, just not working. It can be garlic is in the food or I am just bit "off" today. I had a vanilla greek yogurt with vanilla almond granola for breakfast. At lunch I tried to finish eating my lasagna I had at Olive Garden (this was the 4th meal off the serving I got in the restaurant!). I eat 2/3 of the portion I had left and was threw it in the garbage. I was done. This afternoon I drank a cup of tea and began my propel water. After I got back from an appointment I was really hungry and had some trail mix, went down with no problems. Tonight for dinner I tried to eat leftovers of sausage and potatoes - did not work out after 3-4 bites. I gave up and drank my decaf coffee instead. Now I have finally finished a few pistachios. I am done today. I will probably make a protein shake in the morning so I can start my day at 50g of protein and make up for today. I probably had about 55g today, which isn't terrible but I should have more like 60-80g/day minimum. 120g is optimal, but I have yet to reach that high yet. It is hard with the 1/2 cup portions, or even trying to consume enough before I get full anyway. I'll just have to keep plugging on.
I am working out, but to be honest since I've gone on my vacation until now I have not gone to the gym much. I am walking around a lot and moving a lot though and I think that is something. My stamina and energy level is very high. I can shop without getting tired for 2-3hrs without even thinking about sitting down. Such a change from before. A year ago I couldn't even stand for more than ten minutes without my lower back and knees killing me. Let alone walking for 2hrs without sitting down. Would not happen. I am so happy that is no longer my situation. My husband would over compensate and do most of the household chores because I was too tired to finish them when I was at my heaviest. Not the person I ever imagined I would be. I did not know how that person emerged. All the sudden it was like, "This is not cool. I used to be a competitive swimmer, I used to be a hairdresser and stand on my feet for like 12hrs. I used to run around with my friends all the time on snowmobiles and hikes. " I was missing out on life and I didn't like it.
I am hoping eventually that I can be an inspiration to others similar to me. Because there is hope. This surgery and new way of life for me has changed me, not just in weight but it has opened up so much for me that I had been lacking for so long. I think I have gained more confidence that I've had as I've gotten older too, but no combined with where I'm going it's a new found attitude. There is nothing I can't do. I've always been like that anyway, I never knew the word no. But now, I just feel like that has become an even stronger attribute for me. All my life people said I wasn't smart enough, pretty enough, not able to hear well, not fast enough, not the best swimmer, etc... blah blah blah. Every time I heard something, I would just want to prove that much more that they were wrong. Most times I succeeded too. That was why the last few year I was like, "Where is that girl?!" It was like I had given in. The weight literally weighed me down. Once I was getting lighter again all that negative energy and weight started to dissipate again. It feels to be accomplished again. Don't ever give up. You owe it to yourself. Just do it! I wish I had done this sooner, but I believe the journey in my life to get to that point hadn't presented itself yet and I need to experience everything up to that point to really understand hitting "the bottom".
People who know me may never had saw any of these struggles other than the physical side of when I grew heavier with each passing year. I tried to keep that spirit in me alive and fighting. I was still there, but just squished down.
And here I re-emerge. 2012 was a year of doing for myself and taking that big step and being proactive about changing my life. 2013 is a continuing journey of that vow to change my life and keep striving to better myself. This is the year I turn 40 and I want to hit my birthday and say to myself, "You did it!". I will then know that I will continue on in life healthier and better for it.
The best birthday present to give to one's self.
As I write this, I am trying to be careful not to boast, complain, cringe, and every other emotion one has from getting too much attention on something that you weren't prepared for. Of course I thought it'd be awesome to lose the weight and feel better about myself. But I was not prepared for all the rest of it. The clothes, how fast I am going through them...how much better getting up in the morning feels when I can reach into my closet and actually feel excited about dressing up again. Things look better on me again. I don't fret about what still fits and what doesn't look good anymore. I am just so darn thankful that I made this decision and the benefits have far outweighed the negatives by a mile. I am that happy.
I am learning to be graceful, in receiving comments, compliments, feed backs about how I look. It's hard because you become more self conscious as you realize wow, people must have thought I was that heavy. But I really was. And to see me change in front of my eyes has been hard to track, it's hard when you look at yourself everyday. Even my husband has said the same thing. He all the sudden looked at me one day recently and was like, "Wow, I didn't realize how skinny you are starting to really look?!" I kind of laughed. He's like, "No, really, it's like I look at you everyday but today you look especially skinnier. Like wow!" It was a fun affirmation. Even people I work with everyday I have been careful not to say too much, but the compliments and encouragement I receive from them on a regular basis feels good yet I don't want them to feel like they have to continuously say something. And this is just the beginning as I want to lose another 50-60lbs minimum. So, it'll be a wild journey.
Keeping myself grounded, focused and happy to be where I'm at the moment is important. I need to keep the person inside of me with me and not change. It's hard though, as you feel and gain more confidence as you realize you are finally succeeding in a challenge you've had your whole entire life. The hours and time I have spent since I can remember about if I was just 20-30lbs lighter, or this size or that look...good lord it's overwhelming. To realize a dream that you've never allowed yourself to even think that was possible. I had told myself that I was a big girl and that was okay. But as time went by and I saw how much it was affecting my lifestyle and health I knew something had to change. I feel so much better.
Keeping up the weight loss through the next few months will be harder as I am able to eat more different foods as my stomach heals more and the body is adjusting to my new way. There are so many things I approach differently. I no longer look at all the stuff I can eat, but what I can eat. I keep it real and healthy and make sure I get all I need first such as my proteins and fluids. It's a constant battle throughout the day to make sure I eat enough. Never thought that would be a problem, but it is now a reality. Today, for example, I am just not able to eat the more solid dense foods, just not working. It can be garlic is in the food or I am just bit "off" today. I had a vanilla greek yogurt with vanilla almond granola for breakfast. At lunch I tried to finish eating my lasagna I had at Olive Garden (this was the 4th meal off the serving I got in the restaurant!). I eat 2/3 of the portion I had left and was threw it in the garbage. I was done. This afternoon I drank a cup of tea and began my propel water. After I got back from an appointment I was really hungry and had some trail mix, went down with no problems. Tonight for dinner I tried to eat leftovers of sausage and potatoes - did not work out after 3-4 bites. I gave up and drank my decaf coffee instead. Now I have finally finished a few pistachios. I am done today. I will probably make a protein shake in the morning so I can start my day at 50g of protein and make up for today. I probably had about 55g today, which isn't terrible but I should have more like 60-80g/day minimum. 120g is optimal, but I have yet to reach that high yet. It is hard with the 1/2 cup portions, or even trying to consume enough before I get full anyway. I'll just have to keep plugging on.
I am working out, but to be honest since I've gone on my vacation until now I have not gone to the gym much. I am walking around a lot and moving a lot though and I think that is something. My stamina and energy level is very high. I can shop without getting tired for 2-3hrs without even thinking about sitting down. Such a change from before. A year ago I couldn't even stand for more than ten minutes without my lower back and knees killing me. Let alone walking for 2hrs without sitting down. Would not happen. I am so happy that is no longer my situation. My husband would over compensate and do most of the household chores because I was too tired to finish them when I was at my heaviest. Not the person I ever imagined I would be. I did not know how that person emerged. All the sudden it was like, "This is not cool. I used to be a competitive swimmer, I used to be a hairdresser and stand on my feet for like 12hrs. I used to run around with my friends all the time on snowmobiles and hikes. " I was missing out on life and I didn't like it.
I am hoping eventually that I can be an inspiration to others similar to me. Because there is hope. This surgery and new way of life for me has changed me, not just in weight but it has opened up so much for me that I had been lacking for so long. I think I have gained more confidence that I've had as I've gotten older too, but no combined with where I'm going it's a new found attitude. There is nothing I can't do. I've always been like that anyway, I never knew the word no. But now, I just feel like that has become an even stronger attribute for me. All my life people said I wasn't smart enough, pretty enough, not able to hear well, not fast enough, not the best swimmer, etc... blah blah blah. Every time I heard something, I would just want to prove that much more that they were wrong. Most times I succeeded too. That was why the last few year I was like, "Where is that girl?!" It was like I had given in. The weight literally weighed me down. Once I was getting lighter again all that negative energy and weight started to dissipate again. It feels to be accomplished again. Don't ever give up. You owe it to yourself. Just do it! I wish I had done this sooner, but I believe the journey in my life to get to that point hadn't presented itself yet and I need to experience everything up to that point to really understand hitting "the bottom".
People who know me may never had saw any of these struggles other than the physical side of when I grew heavier with each passing year. I tried to keep that spirit in me alive and fighting. I was still there, but just squished down.
And here I re-emerge. 2012 was a year of doing for myself and taking that big step and being proactive about changing my life. 2013 is a continuing journey of that vow to change my life and keep striving to better myself. This is the year I turn 40 and I want to hit my birthday and say to myself, "You did it!". I will then know that I will continue on in life healthier and better for it.
The best birthday present to give to one's self.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
I broke 70lbs, YAY! Officially 71lbs of loss!!!
So, just before I began to write this post I was going to talk about my strategy to break 70lbs this week. Then, I thought to myself, lets weigh-in right now even though I weighed in yesterday and see if it's happened yet... Long and behold, I am at 71lbs of loss!
But the real reason I felt inclined to write today, is because yesterday I went shopping and I didn't really mean to buy a whole lot because I am about to take a three week holiday and figured I'd have lots of time then to "browse". Well, you know what they say when you are on a roll while shopping, "Strike the iron while its hot!" I was doing that little dance of joy right in the dressing room itself. I had grabbed some smaller sizes as I suspected I was getting down some and it was time to see if I was there yet. I am proud to report (this isn't my final goal, but for now I'm completely happy about this) that I am down to a size 18 on the pants and can wear XL and 1X on top. I am officially out of the those god awful 20s. Another couple of sizes and I'll be able to start shopping again the "normal" section and not have to pick through the awful plus sizes that always seem to try to make you like worse than you already do. I hate plus sizes. They pick floral imprints or colors or shapes that just are dreadful. That is why I wear a lot of black. It's a normal basic staple that you can't screw up. But, as I have been losing weight I have found I am buying other colors again. However, yesterday, I did buy two pairs of black pants and then another pair of the blue jeans I had in a 22, now in the size 18 - because the 22s are being held up by a belt. I have lost about 5 inches off my bustline now, maybe even more. I never took all my measurements at the beginning (I think I did not really want to know how bad off I was).
I leave for my Christmas Vacay in 6 days. I am looking forward to this trip, because I know this will give my family a chance to see the changes up close. Not just my physical looks, but also how I eat and move. I know they've been concerned about my health for a few years, and rightfully so. Back when I had my own business, I worked 60-80hrs/week, ate once a day, no exercise, and drank too much. I was so unhealthy back then. My blood pressure was high and I was so stressed out. Then we sold our business back in '04 and I thought I'd take care of myself back then. I even considered the surgery back then too, but opted not to since I could do it on my own. I was too busy enjoying myself and traveling to even really truly do something about it. Then my husband himself had two health scares in two years. I totally forgot about myself and then eventually went back to work full-time as the economy went down hill and found ourselves in a crunch just like everyone else. And from there on, my weight crept back up.
But enough of that, I have finally done something about it and it's working! I am trying to eat different things each day as I don't want to be stuck eating the same thing day in/day out.
Trying on clothes is so much fun now! It'll be nice when I can look in the mirror and see my problem areas totally gone. I am still waiting for that to happen. My mid-section has always been a source of frustration and once I see that disappear I'll feel truly free of the unsightly bulges.
Yes, I am excited! The thought that when I get back from my Christmas break, that I'll actually be down another few pounds and maybe even dare to think I'll be down 80lbs by then is amazing! I am so stoked!
Once again, best thing I ever did for myself. I can't stress that enough to others who are thinking about doing this for themselves. Its drastic and your life changes in more ways than you can imagine, however, the positives far outweigh the negatives.
Which brings me to my final point for today - I hate negative comments or thoughts. I have noticed when people try to bring others down and always have to make a negative statement in response to one you've made. What's up with that? It's always the same people too! I feel sorry for these people. They must be truly unhappy in life. Here's a thought for everyone reading this, think before you speak or write, is my negative comment really a valid point or am i lashing out because it's my usual response. Why is it that I am doing this? There's a book and video series out there called "The Secret". I recommended negative nay-sayers to read about this concept. It basically talks about how positive thoughts and energies will bring forth positive results. There is so much truth to this concept on a logical basis that I challenge those people to try it for awhile.
Why must we be negative? There are realists, then they're are just those party poopers. Positivity is so much nicer to be around. Negativity, I avoid like the plague. When I am around negative people, it has a tendency to spread easily. I have removed all negativity from my life. I don't have time for it, it's a plague I no longer wish to catch.
Think about it, do something about it. Here's the website for "The Secret":
http://www.thesecret.tv/thesecretbook/
Enjoy!
But the real reason I felt inclined to write today, is because yesterday I went shopping and I didn't really mean to buy a whole lot because I am about to take a three week holiday and figured I'd have lots of time then to "browse". Well, you know what they say when you are on a roll while shopping, "Strike the iron while its hot!" I was doing that little dance of joy right in the dressing room itself. I had grabbed some smaller sizes as I suspected I was getting down some and it was time to see if I was there yet. I am proud to report (this isn't my final goal, but for now I'm completely happy about this) that I am down to a size 18 on the pants and can wear XL and 1X on top. I am officially out of the those god awful 20s. Another couple of sizes and I'll be able to start shopping again the "normal" section and not have to pick through the awful plus sizes that always seem to try to make you like worse than you already do. I hate plus sizes. They pick floral imprints or colors or shapes that just are dreadful. That is why I wear a lot of black. It's a normal basic staple that you can't screw up. But, as I have been losing weight I have found I am buying other colors again. However, yesterday, I did buy two pairs of black pants and then another pair of the blue jeans I had in a 22, now in the size 18 - because the 22s are being held up by a belt. I have lost about 5 inches off my bustline now, maybe even more. I never took all my measurements at the beginning (I think I did not really want to know how bad off I was).
I leave for my Christmas Vacay in 6 days. I am looking forward to this trip, because I know this will give my family a chance to see the changes up close. Not just my physical looks, but also how I eat and move. I know they've been concerned about my health for a few years, and rightfully so. Back when I had my own business, I worked 60-80hrs/week, ate once a day, no exercise, and drank too much. I was so unhealthy back then. My blood pressure was high and I was so stressed out. Then we sold our business back in '04 and I thought I'd take care of myself back then. I even considered the surgery back then too, but opted not to since I could do it on my own. I was too busy enjoying myself and traveling to even really truly do something about it. Then my husband himself had two health scares in two years. I totally forgot about myself and then eventually went back to work full-time as the economy went down hill and found ourselves in a crunch just like everyone else. And from there on, my weight crept back up.
But enough of that, I have finally done something about it and it's working! I am trying to eat different things each day as I don't want to be stuck eating the same thing day in/day out.
Trying on clothes is so much fun now! It'll be nice when I can look in the mirror and see my problem areas totally gone. I am still waiting for that to happen. My mid-section has always been a source of frustration and once I see that disappear I'll feel truly free of the unsightly bulges.
Yes, I am excited! The thought that when I get back from my Christmas break, that I'll actually be down another few pounds and maybe even dare to think I'll be down 80lbs by then is amazing! I am so stoked!
Once again, best thing I ever did for myself. I can't stress that enough to others who are thinking about doing this for themselves. Its drastic and your life changes in more ways than you can imagine, however, the positives far outweigh the negatives.
Which brings me to my final point for today - I hate negative comments or thoughts. I have noticed when people try to bring others down and always have to make a negative statement in response to one you've made. What's up with that? It's always the same people too! I feel sorry for these people. They must be truly unhappy in life. Here's a thought for everyone reading this, think before you speak or write, is my negative comment really a valid point or am i lashing out because it's my usual response. Why is it that I am doing this? There's a book and video series out there called "The Secret". I recommended negative nay-sayers to read about this concept. It basically talks about how positive thoughts and energies will bring forth positive results. There is so much truth to this concept on a logical basis that I challenge those people to try it for awhile.
Why must we be negative? There are realists, then they're are just those party poopers. Positivity is so much nicer to be around. Negativity, I avoid like the plague. When I am around negative people, it has a tendency to spread easily. I have removed all negativity from my life. I don't have time for it, it's a plague I no longer wish to catch.
Think about it, do something about it. Here's the website for "The Secret":
http://www.thesecret.tv/thesecretbook/
Enjoy!
Friday, November 23, 2012
Day after Thanksgiving and the weight loss still continues, AWESOME!
Well, I'd be lying if I didn't say I was nervous about this time of the year. This is always the time of the year where I gain typically anywhere from 5-15lbs. This is where I'd gain the weight for the year, every year and get heavier every year because of it.
Halloween, no candy = success!
Thanksgiving - I did not cook, therefore ate out instead = success!
***going home for Christmas, I have an incredible family support system, I already know = success!
I weighed in this morning showing a total of 68lbs of loss! Super excited and so truly thankful again that I chose to tackle this issue the way I did. I always said to myself that I could lose the weight, the where/how/when was always the question. Once again, the reason this works for me, I cannot physically eat more. For me that is a true blessing. For others, they may be mortified that they have to give up their enjoyment of eating and not find enjoyment in eating anymore. For me, it was enjoy food - live shorter, or find a way not to make food my enjoyment and live longer! I chose the latter. I love life and living. I, if possible my god's good will, want to live a long and healthy life. I realize that things happen and that perhaps someday something could happen to me that has nothing to do with my weight, but circumstances. But if I can be the change in my life for better for now, that is more important.
Living each day, to the fullest. That is what my goal is. I work hard, play hard, and love hard. I want my life to mean something to myself - because once I'm gone and those around me pass into the next life, no one else will remember. I want to look back at my life and say to myself, "I tried everything and did all that I could do to live a good life."
Thus far, I have not been disappointed. I have done so many extraordinary things to date, that I have lived more than I ever dreamed possible. I have had an amazing childhood, great travels, many wonderful people I've met along the way, and lived in many different places. I have been truly blessed with the tools of adjusting to life as it comes. I've had my share of ups and downs, just like anyone else, but one constant that I try to do is push through everything, no matter what. There have been tough times in recent years, but it has only made me stronger. I believe things happen for a reason and learning for that reason alone is what we need to do. It may not be clear right away, but as time presents itself - the answer will be revealed. I write this blog, not to impress people, I write this blog simply to document all that I am going through in this journey.
Of all my challenges in life, which I've had many and those closest to me understand me and those challenges, the challenge of my weight is one of the biggest ones I've encountered. I've struggled for so many years, as early as I can remember, as the one constant I could never ultimately overcome. I was an average child and teenager. Looking back now, I did not really have a noticeable weight issue until my early 20s. However, I've always felt fat. I could always lose 20lbs, 10lbs, 50lbs, or more. The dressing rooms in countless stores, I would also curse at the mirror. The clothes that didn't fit the way I wanted them too, or the things I wanted to wear, but could not. Always trying to look my best has not always been easy for me. Sometimes it was just easier not to care. But as I find myself now approaching 40 this next year and being in a good place with myself mentally, I realize that I quite like myself after all! Once I reach my first milestone of weight loss, I am going to be easier on myself and give myself a pat on the back for a job well done. Once I get the final milestone of my ultimate weight loss goal, I will try my very best to maintain the loss, however, will not obsess about it. My final gift to myself, be happy and don't let it be my life. I will hopefully have learned all the new valuable ways to eat properly by this point and have daily exercise ingrained into my life that keeping the weight off will be fine. I will never go back to where I started at, I remind myself daily how awful that felt both mentally and physically. I do not know who that person was, I think I simply gave up. I had no hope, was so enraged by that number on the scale I went into a state of denial. The mirror and clothes though gave me a reality check.
It can be done. Changing your life in whatever circumstance you need. Just find the tools you need to help resolve your problem. For me, pretending there wasn't one was my issue. When I got the call about my dad's health this past year, it woke me up. All that he is going through, is all that would await me if I continued down the path I had gone. I realized then, as I do now that you are never too young and have so much time to figure things out. I have lost friends in the past few years, who were not considered old and died for various reasons that perhaps death could have been avoided if they had taken better care of themselves. I've almost lost my husband twice, both times in his 30s. We are not immortal. We are human beings and we have to take care of this one body we are given.
I apologize for this long ranting for today's post. But, I felt it necessary to continue to reflect upon how I arrived at this point. Each day I find myself shaking my head, or nodding my head at some realization of what this weight loss has meant to me. I know once I conquer this, I truly can do anything I put my mind too.
Here are some wonderful quotes that I find really inspirational:
Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.
Norman Vincent Peale
Always continue the climb. It is possible for you to do whatever you choose, if you first get to know who you are and are willing to work with a power that is greater than ourselves to do it.
Ella Wheeler Wilcox
The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential... these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence.
Confucius
If you can dream it, you can do it.
Walt Disney
Until next time...
Halloween, no candy = success!
Thanksgiving - I did not cook, therefore ate out instead = success!
***going home for Christmas, I have an incredible family support system, I already know = success!
I weighed in this morning showing a total of 68lbs of loss! Super excited and so truly thankful again that I chose to tackle this issue the way I did. I always said to myself that I could lose the weight, the where/how/when was always the question. Once again, the reason this works for me, I cannot physically eat more. For me that is a true blessing. For others, they may be mortified that they have to give up their enjoyment of eating and not find enjoyment in eating anymore. For me, it was enjoy food - live shorter, or find a way not to make food my enjoyment and live longer! I chose the latter. I love life and living. I, if possible my god's good will, want to live a long and healthy life. I realize that things happen and that perhaps someday something could happen to me that has nothing to do with my weight, but circumstances. But if I can be the change in my life for better for now, that is more important.
Living each day, to the fullest. That is what my goal is. I work hard, play hard, and love hard. I want my life to mean something to myself - because once I'm gone and those around me pass into the next life, no one else will remember. I want to look back at my life and say to myself, "I tried everything and did all that I could do to live a good life."
Thus far, I have not been disappointed. I have done so many extraordinary things to date, that I have lived more than I ever dreamed possible. I have had an amazing childhood, great travels, many wonderful people I've met along the way, and lived in many different places. I have been truly blessed with the tools of adjusting to life as it comes. I've had my share of ups and downs, just like anyone else, but one constant that I try to do is push through everything, no matter what. There have been tough times in recent years, but it has only made me stronger. I believe things happen for a reason and learning for that reason alone is what we need to do. It may not be clear right away, but as time presents itself - the answer will be revealed. I write this blog, not to impress people, I write this blog simply to document all that I am going through in this journey.
Of all my challenges in life, which I've had many and those closest to me understand me and those challenges, the challenge of my weight is one of the biggest ones I've encountered. I've struggled for so many years, as early as I can remember, as the one constant I could never ultimately overcome. I was an average child and teenager. Looking back now, I did not really have a noticeable weight issue until my early 20s. However, I've always felt fat. I could always lose 20lbs, 10lbs, 50lbs, or more. The dressing rooms in countless stores, I would also curse at the mirror. The clothes that didn't fit the way I wanted them too, or the things I wanted to wear, but could not. Always trying to look my best has not always been easy for me. Sometimes it was just easier not to care. But as I find myself now approaching 40 this next year and being in a good place with myself mentally, I realize that I quite like myself after all! Once I reach my first milestone of weight loss, I am going to be easier on myself and give myself a pat on the back for a job well done. Once I get the final milestone of my ultimate weight loss goal, I will try my very best to maintain the loss, however, will not obsess about it. My final gift to myself, be happy and don't let it be my life. I will hopefully have learned all the new valuable ways to eat properly by this point and have daily exercise ingrained into my life that keeping the weight off will be fine. I will never go back to where I started at, I remind myself daily how awful that felt both mentally and physically. I do not know who that person was, I think I simply gave up. I had no hope, was so enraged by that number on the scale I went into a state of denial. The mirror and clothes though gave me a reality check.
It can be done. Changing your life in whatever circumstance you need. Just find the tools you need to help resolve your problem. For me, pretending there wasn't one was my issue. When I got the call about my dad's health this past year, it woke me up. All that he is going through, is all that would await me if I continued down the path I had gone. I realized then, as I do now that you are never too young and have so much time to figure things out. I have lost friends in the past few years, who were not considered old and died for various reasons that perhaps death could have been avoided if they had taken better care of themselves. I've almost lost my husband twice, both times in his 30s. We are not immortal. We are human beings and we have to take care of this one body we are given.
I apologize for this long ranting for today's post. But, I felt it necessary to continue to reflect upon how I arrived at this point. Each day I find myself shaking my head, or nodding my head at some realization of what this weight loss has meant to me. I know once I conquer this, I truly can do anything I put my mind too.
Here are some wonderful quotes that I find really inspirational:
Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.
Norman Vincent Peale
Always continue the climb. It is possible for you to do whatever you choose, if you first get to know who you are and are willing to work with a power that is greater than ourselves to do it.
Ella Wheeler Wilcox
The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential... these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence.
Confucius
If you can dream it, you can do it.
Walt Disney
Until next time...
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