One Year, down nearly 110lbs!

Wow, it's really amazing how fast one year goes...  I remember the terrifying moments before surgery sitting with my husband and they began to attach the IVs and give me the pills I needed to prep for surgery.  It was a surreal moment of how desperate I was to take matters in to my own hands, once and for all. 

When I woke up in recovery a few hours in later, the feeling of terror that came over me as the overwhelming feeling of nausea hit me.  I panicked and screamed for the nurse to do something.  I did not want to undo what the surgeons had just done.  I had six sets of stitches throughout my stomach area.  One hurl and I felt that I'd bust every single one of them!  They gave me something to make me sleep again.  I woke up again a bit later, same feeling - same result.  The third time when I woke up it was then I was like, "Oh good, the feeling has subsided some."  I apologized to the nurse and was grateful they were still trying to get my room ready so they hadn't been ready for me anyway.  I was still very groggy but wanted to see my husband Steve.  Shortly thereafter, they wheeled me up to my room.  Steve was waiting right there as we came down the hallway.  Relief hit me when I realized how much I needed someone I knew to help me realize I was going to be okay.

I won't lie, it was not an easy road.  However, every bit of it was totally worth it when I look in the mirror today.  We all have to give up something in order to get to where we need to be.  It would be weeks before I could even eat any real food and months before the normal feelings of being full, stomach growling and other sensations that take time for your body to feel again.  If I had known how really all encompassing a surgery like this was, I may have chickened out.  I don't mean to deter others from doing this, but you really need to be ready to dedicate yourself to this.  If you want to deal with your eating problems and addictions to food, it's like when you quit smoking you have to be the one that wants it.  No one else can tell you when you're ready.  In my case, I had never been more ready.

A year later, I was in the middle of a move and was able to re-visit my past several times as boxes of old clothes were discovered that had sat in my garage for three years since our last move.  It blew my mind to see clothes that I had worn in the previous ten years and to see how far I had really come.  I even dared to wear a dress I wore to a friend's wedding nearly 18 years ago that I could now fit in!  Guess what, it's even a touch too big!  Everyday is like Christmas morning all over again.  That is the best way to describe a year later.

However, at this point, I still have another 40lbs to go to get closer to my ultimate goal.  I have to keep focused and it's all up to me now to get these finally pounds off of me for good.  They say the surgery is only good for the first year and in the second year it's really up to you.  At that point, they hope you have developed the right eating habits and have used exercise as your form of stress relief.  I have learned more this past year than all my previous diets all combined many times over.  Carbs, sugars, and all my things that I loved are now a very minimal part of my life.  I still eat them, but in much smaller quantities and not very often.  Instead of everyday, they have been phased out to once in a while.  I have so much more energy and have found the zest again for wanting to make the most out of every day.  I wake up early most mornings, even on weekends.  My attitude has gone from no I can't do that to I never say no anymore.  I realized how much I was holding myself back for so many years as the weight crept up.  It happens overtime without you even realizing what you're doing.  I have always been very social and active, but not so much in the last ten years.  People that have just met me in the last couple of years probably thought I was a pretty active and bubbly person.  However, that was just a shadow of my real self that people who knew me from my childhood until a few years after I got married. 

Many of my posts on this blog are self reflective and may be at times repetitive.  This process I am going through and where I am shows exactly how I am feeling when I am feeling it.

I realized yesterday that it has been nearly a couple months since my last post and I urged myself to make it my goal to chronicle my journey once again as that one year anniversary is super important to me.  How far I've come in that year for me is a dream coming true.  I no longer have the same issues or fears that I had a year ago.  I am well on to my way now to become the person I once was again. 

I believe the pictures always speak for themselves (please excuse the haphazard layout, I can't quite figure out how to align these just right)...

104lbs down - went to New York as a reward for my 100lbs = AWESOME!

Well, if myself a year ago could see me now, she'd know this was the best decision she's ever made for herself in a LONG time!  How I feel today is NO comparison to a year ago - hands down!  I know a year from now, again I'll have the same thought again.

How can I possibly describe how this feels?  All I can say is that those of you still contemplating whether this is the right decision for you, trust me you will feel better about yourself in so many ways.  Clothes and fitting into them is a whole different ballgame now.  I have gone from size 24-26, which is horrifying in itself, down to a size 14-16 at the moment.  The clothes I wore at the larger sizes were not my favorite and I dealt with it, barely.  Now, I can actually fit into fun clothes that look good.  My problem now when I go into the dressing room with a pile of clothes is not, "What is going to actually fit?" but more like, "Wow, what do I really need now?"  I know buying clothes right now is kind of dumb since I still have another 50-60lbs to get to my ultimate goal but I still want to feel and look good along the way.  It's worth it!  It's been years since I actually felt excited to go shopping. 

New York, let me explain that trip's meaning.  Mom and I a few years ago made a deal that if I ever lost 50lbs, she'd buy me an all expense paid trip to New York.  Last year when I knew I was going into surgery I re-negotiated the deal with her.  I said to her that if I hit 100lbs the deal was on.  I think she kind of didn't know what to say, so she went along with it.  100lbs is a bit of a hefty goal, no pun intended.  But at that time, I knew that with this surgery and my first year hitting 100lbs was a great possibility.  I also knew that once I got this extra 100lbs off of me that life itself would be forever changed to a level of "Now I know I can actually move and do things again".  Sure enough, I was exactly right!  I have energy again, it is easier to exercise, easier to shop, easier to do everything again.  It's amazing how the weight literally "weighs you down".  As pictures of me are being posted on my facebook page, people are seeing the changes in me over the past 10 months.  Looking in the mirror is a shock everyday.  My face no longer has that puffy, triple-chin effect that was happening at my heaviest.  I look like me again! 

So New York...was a most wonderful reward for this half of my journey.  I could walk the city with little discomfort, which was on average 7-10 miles a day.  I could shop anywhere and fit in clothes that I wouldn't have a few months ago.  I bought a Tommy Hillfiger jean jacket at Macys, the first thing other than a pair of shoes from that brand I've ever owned!  I also bought a few DKNY shirts, another first for me - another brand I never could hope to fit in either.  I even got a Lucky brand top that again, a brand typically for the "thinner" crowd.  All fit, and even some were in size Large, not XL.  I was over the moon!  I enjoyed the trip with my mom, younger sister, and my aunt.  It was a great time had by all!  I saw most of the sights in New York and now can add this amazing, fascinating city to my list!  Would I live there? No way.  Too much stimulation and too many people!  Not my cup of tea.

So next on my list for next May, I am talking to my mother again about a possible trip to the Grand Canyon!  Perhaps a hike down the Bright Angel trail to stay down at the Phantom Ranch at the bottom?!  I have booked so many of these trips over the years with my business that the time has finally come to make the trek myself.  I would also love to raft the Colorado River too!

I would never have dreamt that I could do any of things before, especially in the last 10-15 years.  Don't take your health for granted, it doesn't take much to get to a place of what on earth did I do to myself?!  It is so easy to do. 

this is me about 1 1/2 months ago - around 93lbs lost

 

I'll post more photos next time! Photos truly tell the story of one's weight-loss

 

**Until next time!!! Daphne

Nearly 9 months, down 95lbs

Well, it has been nearly another month since I've posted and I'm down three more pounds.  It has been difficult since the weight loss has slowed down considerably in the last three months. At this time though, I don't have as much to lose now, so I should be happy that I've gotten this far.

95lbs!  Wow, that is nearly a 100 pounds now.  I am confident I will lose more in the next few weeks to hit my goal of 100 before I leave for New York on May 16th.  My mother and I made a deal a few years ago, before I even considered W.L.S. and the deal at that time was if I lost 50lbs, she'd take me to New York, all expenses paid for a reward.  When I finally made the realization that I needed to approach my weight loss a different way and started making my plans for the surgery, I re-negotiated with her and said why don't we make it 100lbs?  I think she was taken aback at first, not really sure how I thought I was going to lose that much and the prospect of the surgery frightened her.  But as time went by and the date of surgery got closer, her and many of my other family members started to warm up to the idea.

Explaining to your loved ones about you doing the surgery is not for the faint of heart.  Many people do not understand how the Gastric Bypass surgery works.  I have explained it thoroughly in previous posts, however, I have not quite explained the emotional aspects from those closest to you.  To this day, I know they all did not share all their concerns or hesitations with me.  It was scary to them and to actually "volunteer" myself to change my body the way I did frankly surprised a lot of people.  Eating how I knew it is no longer.  But, I was frustrated, tired, sick of being fat, and scared that other health complications were soon to follow.  Approaching my 40th birthday being severely over-weight was not how I envisioned myself.  I was so mad at myself for letting myself go so far beyond where I ever thought possible.  But, everyday I woke up and tried to wear clothes and look at myself in the mirror I knew I had to do something drastic.  I tried Weight Watchers several times, many times suceeding in getting down 20-25lbs and then it would creep back on.  And some. 

Stress and not taking care of myself was the culprit.  Not putting myself on the priority list.  It was a simple as that. 

So, back in the Fall of 2011 I took a long hard look at myself and realized something had to happen.  My husband had finally started a job in his chosen field and seemed to be on his way to being settled again.  I was no longer the sole bread winner, which the stress upon that itself was horrifying as I did not make enough to support us comfortably.  That fall was so many things, on so many levels, it really changed me forever.  I had also lost a co-worker that fall and was still reeling from the effects of that loss too.  So my workload at work doubled as well.  Hence, stress loaded on me double-fold.  I believed I gained about 35lbs in those three months alone. 

In December 2011 I made the first doctor's appointment to implement my new strategy, to get the Gastric Bypass Surgery.  It required six months of logging my diet and exercise and taking those to my doctor each month.  Then, I was required to start visiting the surgeon's office and go through all the extensive testings that were also required by the insurance companies.  I was a perfect candidiate.  I was approved and my surgery was schedule for July 27th, my birthday (My 39th birthday).  I was over the moon in excitement.  My husband was such a supporter from the beginning.  He saw me struggle for so many years as the weight kept creeping on.  He knew how frustrated I was and how maddening it was to do so many diets yet to keep failing. 

The day I told him I wanted the surgery he asked me if I was sure.  I told him I was never so sure in my life.  I wanted to get his done already.  Truth be told, I had really thought about this back in 2005 but hadn't known anyone personally yet to find out more about it.  I kept thinking I'd just do it naturally through diet and exercise.  However, six years later I realized I was failing miserably on my own.  Steve had his own reservations about the procedure, and quietly read up on the effects of it and didn't tell me his own concerns.  He knew how bad I wanted it.  He wasn't going to stand in my way.  I'll never forget the look on his face after I came out of recovery and they wheeled me into my room - he was there waiting for me.  I was groggy and kind of out of it as I had spent nearly 6hrs in the recovery room extremely nauseated to where they had to knock me out each time I woke up.  I was in fear of puking and undoing all the stitches that were now on my tummy area (I had six incisions).  Oh, that was a scary time for me too.  The poor guy.  I think we both wondered what the hell I did to myself at that moment.  It was scary.

This brings me back to the present.  All that has gotten me to this point, I need to never forget and stay the course.  It was extreme, yes.  Did it help me achieve my goal, that remains to be seen.  I need to still work very hard every day to make the right choices and keep the healthy lifestyle in play.  It will be a struggle always.  I am still not blessed with metabolism that lets me eat and do what I want.  I never could.

Anyway, I will keep plugging away, but keeping a mindful eye on where I started and where I am going.  At the end of this journey, I will be able to look back and share my experience with others who will either choose or not to choose to follow the same path.

I did it for me, no one else.

Wow - the mirror is changing...

It really is amazing how you can look in the mirror everyday and not notice the subtle changes here and there, but all the sudden one day you reach for something and you're like, "Wait a minute, did I just feel my bone there?!"  Or you glance sideways in the mirror and realize the person looking back at you is really you afterall and that the person you are looking at is different. 

So many of those moments over the last few months, but especially the last few weeks have seemed even more surreal.  As of today I am officially down 92lbs!  It's been very gradual over the last couple of months, however, still consistent.  I have also stepped up my workout schedule and am happy to say I enjoy working out more now.

The other day I was at work and one of my students I hadn't seen in over a year dropped by the office to visit with me.  At first I glanced up and she was looking between my old work cubicle and back again to my new one (I had a promotion back in November, so I had moved across and up from where I was at before).  Anyway, she looked confused as I glanced back to see what was going on.  Then she realized it was indeed me and a look of absolute shock was on her face.  She immediately exclaimed, "Wow, you look great!"  I was laughing because the look on her face was priceless.  She continued on to say it appeared I had lost a lot of weight.  She had no way of knowing the means to how I did it, but to hear and see her reaction was heart warming.  It's funny, because I've had a few reactions like this lately and it wakes me up a bit to realize that nearly a 100lbs loss is actually pretty astounding.  I have been wanting to lose this weight for so long, I had forgotten all the little things along the way that I have found myself being able to do again.

I just enjoyed one this evening.  I gave myself a manicure/pedicure which a year ago I could hardly trim my own toe nails or even paint them because I was so overweight.  No one likes to admit these things, but my own husband watched me try and it broke his heart.  At the time though, I was in the beginning stages of getting my paperwork ready for the surgery, so I knew I was doing something about it.

The other morning, I ran from my car all the way into my office, and guess what I was barely huffing.  Before, to walk from my car just to the building I'd already feel winded at my heaviest.  Moving around was not easy when I was that heavy.

So many things to think about as one makes this journey. It's impossible to know ahead of time, or understand as you are going through it just how much it all makes a difference. 

I''m not done yet, not by a long shot - but I do feel SO much better.  I've gotten my life back.  I can do things again.  I am not making anymore excuses to why I am not doing things.  Heck, I even applied to the university I work at, so I could transfer my credits and finish my degree!  I am so motivated and now realize there is no limit to what one can do once they put their mind to something.

I always knew this and had done things in my life up to this point to already prove that.  However, I had lost sight of this determination the last few years.  But I am happy to report, I have found it again!!! 

Had my six month check-in at the Bariatric office the other day.  Met with the nurse and dietician and they both were pleased with my progress.  I am on track and all is good!

Life is good:)

Other challenges and perks to this whole crazy ride

So, I've noticed that I am complaining about the lack of loss for my weight lately.  You know what's really funny, the scale doesn't always reflect what is really going on.  I just tried on and bought a pair of size 14s the other day, how crazy is that?!  I haven't wore a size 14 anything in about 18 years!  My body size is different today and I am even still about 30lbs heavier then when I wore a size 14 before.  Strange, but true.

I also frequently peruse a forum online for other Gastric Bypass patients and am thankful to have that resource as my "go to" for any of the wierd things I have experienced along the way.  Today, as I was glancing over the other posts I realized just how much I am not alone on this journey.  Someone was talking about how much hair they are losing.  I too just had experienced this and finally my is slowing down again.  I had super thick hair to begin with, so at first I was not to worried as I figured I could stand to lose a bit anyway.  However, a few weeks of hair like I'd never seen before coming out in my brushes, combs and in general really did freak me out.  I eventually upped my Biotin intake to 2000 ICUs a day and it did eventually slow done again, however, my hair is truly half as thick as it used to be.  It's weird to feel my hair now, it feels so thin.  But then again, my creative hair stylist in me has found a style that works and it does not appear to be very different again. 

Back to the size 14s...being in the dressing room putting that size on was so surreal to me.  A year ago, I was hard pressed to find a size 24 that would barely fit me.  That moment was so awful and such a blow to my self worth, it was just that awful.  When those 14s fit me, the opposite feeling washed over me, a sense of pure joy and accomplishment!  The number on the scale isn't always reflective of where our bodies are at size wise, and I think I need to remember that more often.  I thought I was at another plateau, but when I went to my doctor's the other day, I had still lost another 8lbs. since my last visit four weeks ago.  That is not truly a plateau and I need to get over it and quit thinking it's not happening, because it truly still is!  The prospect of where I'll be a year from now is in itself a scary one.  I have no idea what I'll feel or be like hitting that weight range of what I was in High School! Wow, that'll be a day!

I no longer eat chocolate bars, drink pop, eat fast-food, drink alcohol, or have any other types of junk food.  And I feel so much better for it!  This is a lifestyle change, the surgery doesn't do the work for you, it's a combination of eating right, exercising, and eating less.  These are all skills that I should have been doing in the first place!  Where I went wrong was not being accountable of what was going into my mouth.  I gave up and let myself go.  This is still NOT easy.  Getting the surgery was NOT the easy way out.  There are still the same challenges.  Losing weight, watching the scale not moving, drinking more fluids, eating less, eating right, exercising often, the type of exercise, etc...  Remember, the sensations I feel now when I eat are completely different than before surgery.  I've just recently began to get the "feel full" sensation again.  This comes back after your new pouch has completely healed, or so I've been told.  Before, I would just get that pushing down sensation and feel sick if I ate too much. Now, the full feeling has finally returned.  However, I don't like that feeling anymore and do what I can to avoid it, like eat less.

Another culprit I had struggled with pre-surgery was stress.  I've learned how to deal with stress better.  Stress was my number one killer for my weight.  I didn't think I was a stress eater and pretended that I didn't have that problem.  Who was I kidding?!  In the first two years I had my business, I gained 50lbs!  That was pure stress right there.  Now, after a tough day when i go to work out I feel a million times better.  And, nothing is worth stressing out that much over - to sacrifice your body's well being.  I prefer to be content and not think about things like I used to.  I have to tell my mind to shut off when I get home.  As soon as I walk through that door, I quit thinking about my day and rejoice in being home and doing my own personal things.  My new lesson in life, I do NOT take work home with me anymore.  I stay away from the conflict as much as possible.  All this used to wear me out in the past and I have come to realize I don't deal well with that kind of stress.  My new solution, I chose not to entertain it at all!  It's okay to walk away and not have to fix everything.  A big realization for me and I am only to happy to not have it anymore.  If I want to live a full life, I need to not stress more than necessary.  This will still continue to be a daily battle for me, as I blame it on my type "A" personality.  But admitting it is the first step to recovery:)  This was a big factor in me being overweight and I've come to realize it and take action in no longer allowing stress to take over my life.

So, amongst other things, I have come to realize that dealing with stress is important on this new journey.  Creating less of it is really the key.  Focus on the positives, and life in general just gets a bit easier. 

Controlling my weight correlates exactly to how "out of control" my life can be if the weight is out of control.  Right now, I am back on track and doing well.  I have another year or so to hit my goal and begin the maintaining process.  Hopefully by then my habits will be natural and I will be in another phase of my life where weight will no longer be the issue, as the stress will be at a minimal level.

A nice day that will be...

Until next time!

Daphne 

Frustrated, only at 85lbs loss since last post...

I promised myself I'd keep writing no matter what as I went through this process.  I still feel really good and have been working out, still eating well and doing everything I am supposed to do.  However, at the moment the scale is not reflecting too well.  I suppose this is the second stall I've had since I've started this process and I need to know it's just part of it.  My clothes are fittting bigger, so I know I am continuing to lose the inches, but the weight part hasn't caught up yet.

So, hopefully soon I'll break that number that seems to pop up on my scale every time I weight in.  Literally in the last four days I've stayed the exact same.  I know part of my problem is my liquid intake isn't as it could be.  It's always something.  And I know my protein intake isn't what it should be either.  It's hard to continually keep thinking about eating and drinking.  But seriously, I don't eat more than 800 calories per day, nor do I drink less than 32oz. of fluids per day.  It'll come, patience is needed.

This will be a short write-up, as I am still a bit discouraged not much loss has occured this past month.  But back in September for about 3-4 weeks I experienced the same problem their too.  I just have to keep one foot in front of the other and not worry about it.  It'll come.

Good quote for today:

Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections, but instantly set about remedying them –every day begin the task anew. 

-Saint Francis De Sales

Wow, been awhile still losing steady...down 82lbs

Well it has now been well over a month since I've posted last.  I was starting to feel like whoppee do, I haven't really lost anything this past month, but then I really have.  I think the important thing that I need to talk about is the changes I am seeing in people that know me, it is really starting to become obvious and the comments, compliments and reactions I am getting is all the range of emotions I can't even begin to describe.

As I write this, I am trying to be careful not to boast, complain, cringe, and every other emotion one has from getting too much attention on something that you weren't prepared for.  Of course I thought it'd be awesome to lose the weight and feel better about myself.  But I was not prepared for all the rest of it.  The clothes, how fast I am going through them...how much better getting up in the morning feels when I can reach into my closet and actually feel excited about dressing up again.  Things look better on me again.  I don't fret about what still fits and what doesn't look good anymore.  I am just so darn thankful that I made this decision and the benefits have far outweighed the negatives by a mile.  I am that happy. 

I am learning to be graceful, in receiving comments, compliments, feed backs about how I look. It's hard because you become more self conscious as you realize wow, people must have thought I was that heavy.  But I really was.  And to see me change in front of my eyes has been hard to track, it's hard when you look at yourself everyday.  Even my husband has said the same thing.  He all the sudden looked at me one day recently and was like, "Wow, I didn't realize how skinny you are starting to really look?!"  I kind of laughed.  He's like, "No, really, it's like I look at you everyday but today you look especially skinnier. Like wow!"  It was a fun affirmation.  Even people I work with everyday I have been careful not to say too much, but the compliments and encouragement I receive from them on a regular basis feels good yet I don't want them to feel like they have to continuously say something.  And this is just the beginning as I want to lose another 50-60lbs minimum.  So, it'll be a wild journey.

Keeping myself grounded, focused and happy to be where I'm at the moment is important. I need to keep the person inside of me with me and not change.  It's hard though, as you feel and gain more confidence as you realize you are finally succeeding in a challenge you've had your whole entire life.  The hours and time I have spent since I can remember about if I was just 20-30lbs lighter, or this size or that look...good lord it's overwhelming.  To realize a dream that you've never allowed yourself to even think that was possible.  I had told myself that I was a big girl and that was okay.  But as time went by and I saw how much it was affecting my lifestyle and health I knew something had to change.  I feel so much better.

Keeping up the weight loss through the next few months will be harder as I am able to eat more different foods as my stomach heals more and the body is adjusting to my new way.  There are so many things I approach differently.  I no longer look at all the stuff I can eat, but what I can eat.  I keep it real and healthy and make sure I get all I need first such as my proteins and fluids.  It's a constant battle throughout the day to make sure I eat enough.  Never thought that would be a problem, but it is now a reality.  Today, for example, I am just not able to eat the more solid dense foods, just not working.  It can be garlic is in the food or I am just bit "off" today.  I had a vanilla greek yogurt with vanilla almond granola for breakfast.  At lunch I tried to finish eating my lasagna I had at Olive Garden (this was the 4th meal off the serving I got in the restaurant!).  I eat 2/3 of the portion I had left and was threw it in the garbage.  I was done.  This afternoon I drank a cup of tea and began my propel water.  After I got back from an appointment I was really hungry and had some trail mix, went down with no problems.  Tonight for dinner I tried to eat leftovers of sausage and potatoes - did not work out after 3-4 bites.  I gave up and drank my decaf coffee instead.  Now I have finally finished a few pistachios.  I am done today.  I will probably make a protein shake in the morning so I can start my day at 50g of protein and make up for today.  I probably had about 55g today, which isn't terrible but I should have more like 60-80g/day minimum.  120g is optimal, but I have yet to reach that high yet.  It is hard with the 1/2 cup portions, or even trying to consume enough before I get full anyway.  I'll just have to keep plugging on. 

I am working out, but to be honest since I've gone on my vacation until now I have not gone to the gym much.  I am walking around a lot and moving a lot though and I think that is something.  My stamina and energy level is very high.  I can shop without getting tired for 2-3hrs without even thinking about sitting down.  Such a change from before.  A year ago I couldn't even stand for more than ten minutes without my lower back and knees killing me.  Let alone walking for 2hrs without sitting down.  Would not happen.  I am so happy that is no longer my situation.  My husband would over compensate and do most of the household chores because I was too tired to finish them when I was at my heaviest.  Not the person I ever imagined I would be.  I did not know how that person emerged.  All the sudden it was like, "This is not cool.  I used to be a competitive swimmer, I used to be a hairdresser and stand on my feet for like 12hrs.  I used to run around with my friends all the time on snowmobiles and hikes. "  I was missing out on life and I didn't like it.

I am hoping eventually that I can be an inspiration to others similar to me.  Because there is hope.  This surgery and new way of life for me has changed me, not just in weight but it has opened up so much for me that I had been lacking for so long.  I think I have gained more confidence that I've had as I've gotten older too, but no combined with where I'm going it's a new found attitude.  There is nothing I can't do.  I've always been like that anyway, I never knew the word no.  But now, I just feel like that has become an even stronger attribute for me.  All my life people said I wasn't smart enough, pretty enough, not able to hear well, not fast enough, not the best swimmer, etc... blah blah blah.  Every time I heard something, I would just want to prove that much more that they were wrong.  Most times I succeeded too.  That was why the last few year I was like, "Where is that girl?!"  It was like I had given in.  The weight literally weighed me down.  Once I was getting lighter again all that negative energy and weight started to dissipate again.  It feels to be accomplished again.  Don't ever give up.  You owe it to yourself.  Just do it!  I wish I had done this sooner, but I believe the journey in my life to get to that point hadn't presented itself yet and I need to experience everything up to that point to really understand hitting "the bottom". 

People who know me may never had saw any of these struggles other than the physical side of when I grew heavier with each passing year.  I tried to keep that spirit in me alive and fighting.  I was still there, but just squished down. 

And here I re-emerge.  2012 was a year of doing for myself and taking that big step and being proactive about changing my life.  2013 is a continuing journey of that vow to change my life and keep striving to better myself.  This is the year I turn 40 and I want to hit my birthday and say to myself, "You did it!".  I will then know that I will continue on in life healthier and better for it.

The best birthday present to give to one's self.